You know that friend or family member that seems to always be in some type of crisis? And just when you think your most recent “pep-talk” or “marathon phone conversation” actually worked you find out that, despite your best efforts, their life is once again falling apart.
They’ve crashed. Hard.
You may even begin to question what’s going on? Why doesn’t this work? I thought we really got somewhere. The truth is most of us are walking a blurred line of support and enabling. You may feel they are similar, one in the same. Yet, I assure you there is a huge difference.
Let's take a look at this interesting inquiry a bit further, shall we?
Most people have been raised to believe that enabling and supporting are identical. That it’s simply a matter semantics. I would tell you that if you feel this way you are in good company. Many of us have blended them together for years, if not our entire lives.
Myself included.
To be fair, most of us have NOT been taught to separate these two powerful energies. We were conditioned to believe that in order to help and show that you care and love someone, you must go "all in" when they find themselves in crisis.
Do whatever it takes to help those we care about and love. (Caution: herein lies the slippery slope.)
Support allows a buffer to another's experience and is a healthy response.
Enabling, on the other hand, enmeshes you in another's life. Over time you cannot even separate your own identity or well-being from theirs. Your mood and your feelings are heavily tied to someone else's situation.
When enabling another there is often an agenda in the outcome.
There's a strong sense that if we just give enough, worry enough or do enough for another that someday, sometime, someway it will actually make the difference. The necessary turn-around they need will magically happen and they will finally "get their act together."
The truth is enabling behavior, over time, comes at a very high cost to our own peace of mind, inner resources, finances and ultimately our health.
Another issue with enabling is it invokes our "Rescuer" archetype and reinforces the other persons "Victim" (a.k.a. Martyr) archetype. The Rescuer (a.k.a the Fixer, the Saver) is the part of us that lights up from thinking we know better than someone else and can’t wait to tell them all about it.
The Rescuer tells you over and over again, “thank goodness I’m part of this person’s life to help "fix" things. They need me so much. And there’s no way they could possibly deal with this situation on their own, right?”
Thus begins the dance of dysfunctional co-dependence.
Here's the rub.
You know you're really hooked into someone else's drama when the thought of unhooking, unplugging and distancing yourself emotionally makes you feel uncomfortable.
There truth is there’s a secondary gain underneath that is serving you by staying connected.
What?! I know. I Know. Now, before you decide to stop reading and shut your computer off, just continue this thought process with me a moment. I promise it will shed some light for you.
At first you might think you want off the crazy train, but when push comes to shove are you really ready to let go? And trust that you can walk away? No matter what? Even if you disagree with the way the other person has been handling things? Even if life might get really, really uncomfortable for them?
In my experience, this is where the proverbial rubber meets the road. People like to think they can let go, but find it very difficult to actually do so. There's always a hook, a sad story, a crisis, a he-said/she-said interaction that brings the Rescuer back up.
A common scenario is another person calls, texts or messages with drama situation x.
Against your better judgement and all the pep talks you've given yourself about staying away, you're right back in the thick of it. Later on while you're dazed, confused and wiped out emotionally you are wondering, "why did I get myself into this mess and more importantly how do I get out?"
The ultimate ninja move, if you will, is one of non-engagement.
To put it bluntly: Just because someone has drama and wants you in it, does not mean you need to go with it. You always have a choice. Always.
Enter the fabulous and empowering energy of support.
In a healthy supportive relationship/ interaction we allow ourselves to become the listener, the witness. This is in alignment with the other person's need to be heard and seen. Two very important and crucial human needs.
With enabling the habit is to interject, swoop-in, try to fix, rescue or save.
Support, on the other hand, has a much higher vibration. Here we allow the person to have their experience. We take our agenda completely out of it. Sure, there is a lot of unsolicited advice that could be given. They may even ask you what you would do in their situation.
You can walk down that rabbit hole. Or not. The choice is yours. The difference is however they respond you do not take it personally.
They are going to do whatever they choose to do. Their actions and choices will have their own unique set of reactions and consequences. And that is okay.
The truth is, each one of us must have our own spiritual experiences. Each one of us has our own set of skills for handling life. It's not up to anyone else to live life for us. Nor is it our job to try to live someone else’s life for them.
Supporting others, or having others support us, is an intricate and artful dance - make no mistake. It requires skill and experience.
What does support sound like inside your own mind, your own body?
I hear you.
I see you.
I feel your pain.
I feel your sadness.
I feel your confusion.
I honor you for naming what needed to be named.
And, I love you.
I support your decisions to do whatever you need to do in this moment.
Even though I may completely disagree with you. Even though I would do things completely differently. Even though what you do may frustrate me, may disappoint me.
My world can support the both/and model.
I can completely disagree with the way you are handling your life AND I can love you deeply. These beliefs can be true for me and we can remain in friendship, remain in relationship.
I can hold the safe space for you to grow, change, transform AND acknowledge the desire in me that wants to tell you how to do this and what I’d do to help speed up the process.
Honoring myself is sacred because
. . . in this acknowledgement I’m also honoring my own needs to keep a safe buffer so I don’t get overly involved emotionally. And out of habit end up taking on more than I need to.
Ultimately, we need to take ourselves into account. Love ourselves enough to stay in our own lane in life. When the Rescuer, Fixer or Saver comes up we can say hello and acknowledge them.
And instead of inserting them onto someone else realize that they are here for us. They are collectively saying that the only one we need to fix, rescue or save is ourselves.
Because you are so, so worth it, sweetheart.
You have always been worthy and you’ve always been enough. Always.
With love and light,
💛
Joanna
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