Rarely does a day go by that I haven't had someone ask me about my transformation. Believe me it was not an overnight one, to say the least. My shift and change in mindset has been a process. Full disclosure: A process that I have enjoyed and not enjoyed at the same time.
Like so many people, I have struggled with wondering why several heart-felt endeavors I had focused on were not working out. I mean, most of the time, these were things I was really good at. But over time walls would go up. A city would spit me out. Jobs would end. My services were no longer needed. Apply for jobs I was over-qualified for, confident I would get a call, and not hear anything.
All this confusion was difficult to deal with and for years I felt like a stranger in a strange land. A loner who was misunderstood and mis-directed. My connection to Spirit's guidance was pretty much non-existent.
I was very skeptical of those who had created an enviable, successful life. I pretty much came to the conclusion that they were a) born under a lucky star, b) had a trust fund, c) had more tech savvy than me, d) had the right background, e) had the right last name, f) had the right schooling, g) lucky breaks, h) etc.. etc...
In a nutshell, I had a difficult time comprehending how others could have life come so easily to them. I thought I knew my path. I was certain I knew and was becoming more and more frustrated by the day. Why was my life not turning out the way it was supposed to? Why was I not on the fast-track?
What I did not understand at the time is that we are all on different time schedules. Some people do make an impact early. Some do become over-night success stories. However, it has nothing to do with me personally. Many of us are diamonds in the rough.
Gauging ourselves (a.k.a. comparing ourselves) to others is probably the single most detrimental idea we can hold in respect to our self-development. We can literally freeze ourselves dead in our tracks. Think we are too late to the game. Too old. Too tired. Too broke. Too uneducated.
My turn-around came when I stopped focusing solely on what I thought I was supposed to be doing. For me this was competitive barrel racing with horses. I was quite good at competing growing up and have always had a natural love of horses. This drove me to practice, study and hone my skills with advanced horsemanship techniques for several decades.
I studied with world-renowned Master horsemen/women like Buck Brannaman (the Horse Whisperer), the late Peter Campbell and Betty Staley. I trained with barrel racing experts. I devoted countless hours and most of my resources--financial and otherwise--towards this single-pointed dream.
You can imagine my dismay when, after years of tireless study, I was not anywhere close to where I wanted to be. In fact, an interesting phenomena came about when I would go into an arena of any kind. I started having minor panic attacks. I literally would have trouble breathing, get blurred vision and would grip the reins of my horse so tight that I could barely get past a trot.
The shame and embarrassment was enough to make me cry on more occaissons than I can count. What was happening? Why is this happening? I want to be a pro barrel racer. I love this. Wait... I think I love this. I used to love this. What's going on?
Last year during a coaching session with my Life Coach, Nancy Levin, I was able to uncover the root of the issue. What I thought was "my calling" was really the young girl in me that was still seeking approval from the adults around me. Yes, I happened to be talented with horses. Yes, I was naturally competitive as a young person.
However, as an adult I preferred more creative endeavors. Competition was actually at odds with who I was becoming. Herein lies the disconnect. And the gold. It's all in how you view it.
The inquiry and healing came about when I was able to look at this mixed connection with new eyes and have compassion for myself.
Why was I still pushing myself now to fit a mold of who I used to be?
What child doesn't want their parents and loved ones to cheer them on? (I would do anything for this approval.)
What can I do now to have compassion for who I was at that time?
What would it look like to have a life dedicated to me instead of to what I thought others wanted from me?
When Nancy helped shine the light on this "false calling" it was life changing. It's literally as if I could finally give myself permission to follow what I really wanted to do. At the time I had no idea what that even looked like but I was relieved and excited to begin the journey.
I share this with you, my friend, because I think many of us feel deeply the confusion of following a "false calling." The bottom line is this: If it causes us anxiety. If it causes us to be overly demanding of ourselves and others, it is most likely not our true calling.
Our true calling is 0ne that feels light and joyful. A quote I love from Deepak Chopra sums this up perfectly. "Success according to nature is our expansion of happiness."
My true calling is letting Life share its bounty with me and through me. I basically fired myself as CEO of the Universe and stepped aside to let joy and happiness lead the way.
My faith has increased exponentially. This conscious and deliberate act has directly influenced how I make decisions and go about my day.
I no longer feel like I missed my calling. I am becoming my calling by allowing Life to lead the way. I just never knew it before.
I still love horses. I ride almost daily and appreciate a smooth canter in the hills. My mindset now is one where I appreciate deeply the joy horses bring to me. They enhance my life experience. They are not my only passion in life. They are one aspect of many, many aspects of who I am.
My interests also revolve around the curiosity of who I am becoming when I'm not telling life who I need to be....
What are some of your interests that are showing up these days as you continue to evolve? Post in the comments below so we can share in each other's success.
In gratitude,
Joanna