Have you ever experienced a “dark night of the soul?”
Many of us have and if you are anything like me, there are times in life that words simply cannot express the emotions you are feeling. However, you may be fortunate enough to come across a nugget of wisdom that succinctly puts it into words. For me, the gold was "reteaching a thing its loveliness".
Let me share this again and allow the passage to land in your heart.
"though sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness..." Galway Kinnell
This passage comes from the stunningly beautiful poem, "Saint Francis and the Sow". Kinnell uses the metaphor of a bud's flowering to our inner journey of healing. Poets have always mesmerized me. They seamlessly dwell in the sacredness of life itself. They are true wordsmiths. Crafting and weaving words together in such a way that stirs our very souls.
In an act of full disclosure I will share with you that the years 2013 - 2015 were incredibly challenging for me. I was tested in ways I had never before been tested. I was pushed and forced to do what I did not think I was capable of doing.
At one point I remember feeling intensely sad and at an absolute loss. For all of my life up until this time I'd had the gift of resiliency. I'd get knocked down. Then, I would shake it off. Recalibrate. Re-center. I would gather myself up and keep moving.
Not this time. I distinctly recall mourning my former self. I was sad. Angry. Depressed. Regretful. Ruthless with myself and internally towards those I perceived had knowingly cut me to the bone. I felt like my soul had literally been sucked out of my body for good. What did I have to live for? The person I used to be vanished. Escaped.
I can't point to any one specific day that eventually led to my turn-around. Although, there were several events woven together that became my life line.
My Mom treated my husband Eric and myself to a Holy Lands and Beyond Cruise in the fall of 2015 sponsored by Hay House. In addition to visiting world-renowned pilgrimage sights we would also be hearing from a power packed line up of speakers.
Immaculee Ilibagiza. Anita Moorjani. Dr. Robert Holden. All three authors have beautiful messages of hope, love and forgiveness.
The speaker that spoke directly to my heart was Immaculee. She is a Rwandan genocide survivor whose story of survival and forgiveness rarely leaves a dry eye in any audience.
I'm not particularly religious although I am fascinated by the spiritual and religious beliefs of all cultures. I feel they all have intrinsic value to their devotees. Immaculee was raised Catholic. She absolutely loves and adores Mother Mary with all her heart.
From the moment she stepped on to the stage and began talking I was mesmerized. Within minutes my eyes were tearing up. What was happening to me? Why can't I stop crying? Who is she? How could she possibly forgive those who took part in this mass slaughter?
As she continued to speak, her sincerity and absolute devotion to a power higher than herself was beyond anything I had personally witnessed. I thought this must have been what it felt like to admirers of Mother Teresa. The room's energy had clearly shifted. As I looked around I observed we were all weeping.
My experience was part of a shared experience. It began to click in my mind that if I was deeply touched to my core and others were deeply touched-- then, this must be what it means to truly share the human story.
Maybe there was hope for me after all?
Immaculee's message of forgiveness in the face of such unspeakable horrors is riveting. She now dedicates her life to sharing her belief in all of us becoming beacons of light.
After she finished speaking we (the audience) gave a standing ovation. I was still weeping, as was everyone else, for this gentle yet powerful soul who openly shared a traumatic and life-changing experience with us.
Immaculee's next speaking time was a few days later. It was just as spellbinding. This talk focused on allowing yourself to let the Blessed Mother hear you and heal you. She loves all of us. No exceptions.
To be fair, I have always had a healthy dose of skepticism around prayer of any sort. I thought I was pretty solid in this belief. Until I met Immaculee.
I decided I had nothing to lose. I was experiencing the lowest point in my life. I knew I needed help. Whatever I tried did not work. I was desperate. The impact Immaculee's words had on my soul are indescribable. I couldn't get them out of my head.
Pray to Mother Mary? She will heal you. Are you serious? Does this stuff really work? For several weeks my internal struggle persisted.
Finally, worn down by my ill-working logic I took out my journal. That day began my journey back to myself. I wrote and wrote. I wept and wept. Tears of sadness, hope, desperation, fear, joy and the willingness to forgive.
Forgiving myself for abandoning myself. I prayed and gave thanks. My heart began to beat again. My life began to heal. I allowed myself to have faith in me again. In humanity, as well. The ice was melting.
In May of 2016 we joined a pilgrimage group led by Immaculee. On the itinerary was Lourdes, France; Fatima, Portugal, and Banneaux, Belgium. All sights where Mother Mary has made appearances. Lourdes and Fatima alone attract millions of peaceful pilgrims annually. There are evening processions with people carrying candles singing Ave Maria in unison.
It's mind-boggling. It's beyond beautiful. Indescribable. I was the only non-Catholic in the group. Immaculee could have cared less. She loved that I was there. At one point she held both my hands in hers and thanked me for being with her. I could barely even speak.
I remember telling her that I wasn't quite sure why I was here. I'm not Catholic. I don't know any of the rosary's. I had to research about the miracles that happened at the sacred sights before I even came. I would fail a quiz on relics.
Surely, the Blessed Mother made a mistake. Immaculee, keeping eye contact with me the entire time, said, "Oh no. When Mother Mary calls for you, you will come. She loves you. You are her child. There is no mistake. It's your heart that answers the call."
What could I possibly say? She was reteaching a thing its loveliness.
💛
Joanna
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