Recently, I was listening to a wonderful podcast. The host was mentioning that most of us have a habit of looking through lenses of What's going wrong instead of changing to the much more uplifting and empowering What's going right glasses. At first I didn't think too much about this, however, as the show went on and callers phoned in the discussions became very intriguing. It became crystal clear this is a major issue most people struggle with in their lives.
Why is this? Let's rewind the video of our lives and take a closer look. Many of us were uploaded and programmed with a fair amount of skepticism, judgement and criticism. The dark side of this, of course, is that we turn these traits/habits on ourselves and eventually they ripple out towards others. We find ourselves in this negative cycle of either criticizing ourselves or someone else.
"If we could read the secret history of our enemies we would find in each man's sorrow
and suffering enough to disarm all hostility."
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
How did this all start? Since childhood we are given plenty of rules and guidelines to follow. We have to ask permission to do most anything. Grades and test scores become a huge factor once we enter the school system. If we participated in any type of sport, club or activity there eventually comes into play the competitive streak. Whether it's in the form of food sales, raffle tickets, try-outs, after-school practice, or fund raisers the message is firmly planted to out-do another.
The seeds are firmly planted and watered: To be the best we have to push ourselves. And this leads us to chronically feeling we are not acceptable as we are, we must do whatever it takes as long as it takes to be better. Seeking approval outside of ourselves is the name of the game, right?
Is it any wonder we easily and naturally wear the What's going wrong glasses? What a dismal view!
As adults these hard-wired beliefs stay with us. They manifest in all types of way. Addiction to depressing news and social media. Drama and toxic relationships keep re-affirming our beliefs of life being hard and overwhelming. Staying in a job way past it's expiration date leading us to think, What's the point? I can't leave. Someone will beat me to a dream job anyway. It's such a competitive job market, how can I possibly have the skills for the job I really want when there are so many others that are "more qualified than me"? It's a dog eat dog world. I had better stay in this secure job, we think to ourselves, because it's better than nothing.
Until we have an epiphany that Life can truly be something to love-- that it is working for us not against us -- we will continue to stay in the sad, self-defeating loop of excuses.
Being adverse to anything resembling competition to out-do someone else or several someone else's is not uncommon for recovering over-achievers and high achievers. Especially if we felt pressured as a young person to perform at levels that were unrealistic for our age and experience. The flip side of that coin is the attachment to competition. This often manifests as being overly driven and ambitious. These traits are so deeply embedded we see everyone and everything as a competitor to out-perform. No matter the cost. Very, very slippery slope here because we are clearly putting our worthiness in the hands of others.
The future's so bright I gotta wear shades!
My own epiphany has evolved over the last few years, really picking up speed since last June. I can't quite pin-point one specific example. I can say that it happened quite organically, naturally. Previously, I had become very aware that my world-view, despite my best efforts, had become soured and fickle (i.e. my what's wrong glasses). I had tried all sorts of techniques that I felt were sure to work because they had worked on others so well--only to be disappointed at my results. Affirmations. Vision boards. Meditating. Yoga. Shamanic work. Spiritual Counseling. Journaling. Listening to inspiring Audiobooks. Reading inspiring works. Mandala coloring books.
My turn around a-ha moment came when I realized I was competing with myself - relentlessly. I know this sounds counter-intuitive. Let me explain. My intentions were good. Yet, (and here's the rub) my subconscious was ingrained to set very high standards that were incredibly goal oriented. I eventually realized my addiction to goal setting was still with me. This is what was causing the unhealthy aspect to my peace of mind. All it did was bring up and reinforce feelings of unworthiness if I didn't achieve a certain spiritual marker by a certain time.
Huge wake-up call for me!
Over time, I slowly came to hold a healthy respect and appreciation that Life has its own schedule and humans have their own. Often times we want our time table to lead the way. This belief maintains the glass ceiling, if you will, to our growth and fullness.
When I stopped telling Life how I wanted things to be, I finally got out of my own way. Said another way, I fired myself as CEO of the Universe. Since I wasn't happy with the results from years and years of "riding my own butt" I learned to back off. My biggest obstacle was my own attitude. If I continued to think that Life was unfair then it would be. If I continued to expect and demand results from all my "hours of dedication" to spiritual work then I was sure to be disappointed. It's the ultimate irony. I needed to release my expectation of What's in it for me? and embrace the more peaceful, compassionate mantra of How may I serve?
What do you see? Ancient ruins or once thriving civilization? Perhaps, it's both?
When I decided to consciously step aside and let Life lead the way my days got easier and easier. Instead of seeing the world's faults I began to see all the things that were going right. I mean, what do I really know about how situations are truly going to play themselves out? Plus, do any of us know enough about someone else's situation to make a fair judgement about it? No, we don't. When the shoe is on the other foot and it's us that is being judged, we feel misunderstood and unfairly criticized. So, why perpetuate this unhealthy cycle when we don't have to?
Consciously stepping away from that self-defeating negativity trap is perhaps the best choice I ever made for my mental, physical and spiritual health. Leave others alone. Focus on my own life. Switch glasses. Daring myself to see with the more empowering lenses of what's going right.
"Life's a movie. Write your own ending. Keep believing. Keep pretending."
Jim Henson
Test it out for yourself and experience this powerful shift. For 48 hours only think thoughts about what's going wrong around you. At the end of the allotted time take out a journal or notebook and jot down notes of how you felt and how others reacted to you. Then, for the next 48 hours, only think thoughts that support what's going right. At the end of the two days, take out your notebook or journal and write about your experience. How were people energetically toward you? How did you feel? What other observations of importance stand out?
This simple yet effective exercise is a real eye-opener. For me, it was a game changer.
Go ahead, try on your new glasses and see the world's vibrant shades, hues and colors. As the Sufi poet Rumi so eloquently wrote over 1000 years ago...You will see with the heart's eyes the stunning beauty of the world.
Keep believing...
Joanna
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