What's the Zero Sum game, you ask? Well... it's one you probably know very well, but didn't know the name for it. This is the thinking behind thoughts of, There's only so much money. If I have something I really want then someone else goes without. If I feel bad enough it will change a situation. If I'm sick enough, it will help someone else feel better. If I please myself, I disappoint you.
To sum it up it's the belief of, If I have this, they won't have that. Thus, the Zero Sum thinking. One cancels out the other. Leaving us feeling like we better not feel good or allow ourselves to grow because we don't want to be responsible for taking away from another. Or, the flip side of the coin: the competitive streak. There's only so much money, for example , so I better work as hard as I can to get it before it runs out. Etc.. etc.. etc..
What glass ceilings and walls have you put up in your life?
Many, many of us have been highly influenced by this steady stream-of-consciousness thinking. It's completely built around the limited Universe theory of there is only so much out there and it's in limited supply. Heck, until someone mentions that there is another way or we begin to question its validity ourselves, we don't even think about it. I remember when I first heard about the new and vastly different paradigm thinking of both, and. It literally blew my mind and intrigued me at the same time. I had always felt the common, accepted way that I knew (i.e. limited thinking) was restricting, confining and fear based. But what else is there, right?
The new paradigm of both, and looks more like this: I can be wealthy and others can have wealth (or not, it's up to them) because there is enough for all. I can be healthy and others can be healthy (or not, it's up to them) because fabulous health is our natural state. And going a step further into the new paradigm thinking, I can be happy and fulfilled and it might upset you. You can be happy and fulfilled and it might upset me. There is room for both. We can work through it. I can follow what I desire. You can follow what you desire. And, we can both benefit in our own way.
I know this is radical thinking. But, hang with me. The foundation it stands on asks us to look to our own self for what we truly long for, what we want out of life. We stop the negative looping cycle of depending or looking to others for permission to grow, be healthy, have abundance, follow our own star. When we are afraid to change who we are in fear of others reactions to us, that will always keep a glass ceiling of growth over our heads. Said another way, we put up the bars around our lives yet blame others for keeping us behind them.
"Most people have an 'upper limit problem' - meaning they have internalized
an upper limit to their joy, their success, their happiness."
Guy Hendricks
I've heard there is a saying in the military called Extreme Ownership. This fascinates me. Being a huge fan of self-care, I see this mantra as necessary for emotional and spiritual growth. Moving the finger pointing of blame away from others and looking at our own lives instead can be a profound leap in transformation. Not to look at ourselves in shame. That's not what I am talking about. What I am encouraging you to do is look clearly at what choices you make that either serve or sabotage. Do you think that life needs to be one struggle after the next? That everyone is out to get you? No one listens to what you have to say? If you want to get to the top, you have to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes. There are no free rides or free lunches. Sound familiar?
Staying rooted in nourishing ourselves we can cultivate the courage to reach for the sky.
Or, can we view this differently? By me fulfilling my wants, needs and desires for a creative, thriving life I don't rely on others to energize me. I energize myself simply by keeping my own priority's at the top of my list. No more putting myself on the back burner. No more wandering around responding and reacting to everyone else's needs first. What does this look and feel like? It feels wonderful because I'm not drained by the end of the day. I'm no longer too wiped out to spend time doing something I really love. When I do take the time to spend with someone, I'm more present and centered. I'm truly happy for their successes. Because a success for one is a success for all! It doesn't take away from me because I'm moving consciously in the direction of my dreams.
I feel the Zero Sum thinking has its roots in believing we need to keep ourselves small to be digestible to others. Constantly placing ourselves on the back-burner and putting others needs in front of our own. Why? Because that's what we grew up with in our society. It doesn't mean it's right, it just means that was the accepted belief. And, the wonderful thing about beliefs is that they can be changed. Changed to the both, and model. It's definitely a positive way to start shifting our thoughts.
A powerful and eye-opening exercise I worked through with my Life Coach last fall called for me to create a list of 50 desires. All in one sitting. You read that right. All in one sitting! No cheating. The faster they are written down the better. Now, here's the catch. Only 5 of the 50 can be altruistic- or for others. Like something you would do for your Mom, kids, spouse, charity. So, 45 of these desires are solely for you. They can range from having a Chateau in the south of France to buying fresh flowers every week of the year. This is meant to be fun so allow yourself to feel off-the-charts happy. The sky really is the limit!
The other piece to this that is equally important comes just after you've written down the 50 desires. Next to each desire write the feeling you will have once you have the desire. Like freedom or peace or excited, etc... What you'll notice after you finish is that there will be a major recurring pattern. Let's say freedom comes up the most. That would be an indicator to you that this is what you are really after. This could show up because you feel anything but free in your current life situation. Again, we are not looking to blame others. We are looking at where we are blocking ourselves.
Now you have the flashlight. It's shining a light on an area that previously was dark. The pattern of rescuing or over-giving may have shown itself. Ahhh... you tell yourself. That's interesting. I don't need to focus my energy entirely on other people's needs. I actually need to take care of my own needs. My own desires.
Taking time to do things we love makes for a richer, fuller and more beautiful life.
When you become aware of what you are really longing for you can bring your full attention to it. Then, you can think of small ways to begin cultivating that feeling into your day-to-day life. Maybe you take 5-10 minutes during the day to relax and listen to soothing music. Or, you take a nice walk by yourself. Or, you brew up a cup of your favorite tea or coffee and read poetry or journal for awhile. Small steps lead to bigger steps. Small steps first. Always.
Being gentle with ourselves during times of growth will encourage us to move towards the life we've always wanted. The old paradigm easily melts away. Viewing other people's lives and their choices are no longer triggers. We are no longer threatened. We embrace and live in our fullness, no longer worried about lack. In our world there is more than enough for all.
Are you ready to create your list? I'm saying you were born ready!
You got this...
Joanna
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