One of the biggest challenges I hear repeatedly from students, friends and family is feeling guilty about saying no. Who hasn't felt the intense pull of obligation to spend time with someone or attend an activity that deep down you really don't want to? Often times people say, 'I have to do this' or 'I have to do that'. But, in fact, do you? Says who? And why?
There are many, many ways throughout our days that we slowly give away our power. Every time we say yes to something we really want to say no to we give pieces of ourselves away. What's more precious and important than taking care of ourselves? Nothing! Although, when asked, most people logically know that self-care is important. We can all cite areas we would like to improve. Eat smarter. Exercise more regularly. Take time off to relax. Spend time doing what we really love that brings us joy. Sounds easy. So, what's the catch?
Nike the Greek Goddess. The slogan 'just do it' identified with her name can cause confusion. Just do what? Push ourselves more or nurture ourselves? Ephesus, Turkey
Our society is perpetually in a hurry. It's easy to get caught up in the unhealthy social dysfunctional trance of doing more, more, more. Like this self-imposed stress is some type of badge of honor to be worn around like a prize? Rarely a day goes by that I haven't heard someone talk about getting up early or staying up way too late to do just "one more thing." They are frazzled, distracted, stressed out, unfocused and completely tuned out to their inner needs. Caught up in the never-ending cycle of "doing". Sanity becomes a prized commodity in these whirlwind days of go, go, go.
The remedy? It comes down to choices. Choice points are life's way of reminding us of what's important. In any given moment we can choose to nourish ourselves and put ourselves at the top of the list. Every. Day. Or, risk losing who we are by falling in the habit of overextending. Just because we can do something doesn't mean we should.
"Just because someone gets caught up in drama and tells you about it, doesn't mean you have to go with it." Louise Hay
I always like to check in with myself first whenever I'm asked to do something. The first second or two is enough. I'm either excited or I feel that nagging sensation in my gut that forewarns me. Ignoring my "gut feelings" and pushing myself to overextend has consistently left me worn-out, tired and distracted in the past. Sound familiar? Obligation and feeling guilty have their own special flavor that has bitterness and resentment written all over it. We've all tasted it.
I used to feel guilty about saying no. Not anymore. Now I'm becoming a no machine. This is a practiced skill, no doubt. The payoff is sanity plus dividends. Getting control of my life on my terms. If my inner gut feeling doesn't feel right I listen. And, let's be honest. Who would want to spend time with me if they knew I really didn't want to be there? I have certainly felt it when it's in the reverse. It's no fun to be on the receiving end knowing energetically the other person wishes they were elsewhere. Body language tells us all we need to know.
This all leads back to the heavy cloak of obligation. What pressures are we putting on ourselves to say yes? Are we afraid our friends won't like us anymore? Are we worried that if we aren't seen enough in public that we'll look like we don't have a life? What parameters have we set for ourselves that we can't ever possibly meet? Why do we feel so guilty about savoring time just for us?
"Just because we can do something, doesn't mean we should." Anonymous
Many of us have been raised to feel guilty if we aren't "burning daylight" and "burning the candle at both ends". Puritanical work-ethic has ingrained itself into the culture. Passed down from one generation to the next. If our parents or grandparents prided themselves on "working to the bone" then is it any wonder we get confused when we don't want to? Part of our psyche understands that we don't live in the same times under the same circumstances. The part of us that truly delights in the mantra, "work smarter, not harder" knows we are meant for a different life.
Saying No feels fantastic. Here's me saying 'Whoo Hoo'... and yes to life, yes to me! Athens, Greece
It comes down to putting ourselves first. The most amazing thing has happened to me over and over again when I consciously decided to practice saying no. Someone might call or email and ask if I want to do something. When I can't or don't feel called to at that time I give a completely honest answer. I say to them, "You know right now I'm stretched out. I don't want to add anything else. One of my intentions I've been working on is to take care of myself and not stretch myself too thin. Let's reschedule for a time that works better for both us."
And, you know what? Every time I've said that the response I get is always the same. The other person says,"Wow. You know I've been feeling that way, too. Thank you for your honesty. I'm happy to reschedule." It's a fascinating phenomenon. I give myself permission to say not yet. And, it trips a wire in the other person's brain that reminds them it's not all about doing. Saying no is powerful medicine. Saying no gives you back your life. Even if you don't quite know what that life is yet. It's okay. And, if you feel called to simply say 'no' without explanation... even better. As the title to this article suggests, "No is a complete sentence."
Cheering for you, Joanna
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