I heard this phrase recently and I didn't understand the context until I heard the entire backstory. A few years ago Dr. Robert Holden was leading a weekend retreat for the executive Hay House team. He explained the importance of dealing with schedules and commitments. And, that Sometimes You Have to Say No to Madagascar. Meaning: there will be times in our lives when we have to say no to the one thing we have longed for. Not because we don't want it, but because saying Yes to it would dilute everything else in our life.
In other words, we'd be crossing our own boundary-- a commitment we made to ourselves. The boundary might be to maintain space and time in our lives to spend with family instead of over-working and over-extending. The boundary to stay out of debt or pay-off debt before any other major purchases. The boundary to begin prioritizing ourselves before always feeling we need to take care of others first.
Dr. Holden went on to say that a few years ago he was offered a chance to be a key presenter at a conference located in a stunningly beautiful part of Madagascar. He had dreamed of this location and set-up for years. It was the absolute ideal situation. The feather in his cap so to speak. But... but, when the offer came up he was already booked solid in his speaking and traveling schedule for the year. He did not want to add one more thing to it because he knew it would cut into time with his young family. And, he thoroughly enjoys the time he does get to spend with his wife and two children.
He asked for a few days to think about it. While doing this, he realized that he actually could, in fact, do it. The sacrifice would end up being less time with his family. But... he would be in the magical setting of Madagascar! Wow! Beaches, mind-blowing scenery, speaking and guiding others on the path to happiness. Who wouldn't want this, right??
"By saying yes to one more thing it dilutes all things."
Nancy Levin
Because Dr. Holden does spend most of his time speaking and writing about happiness, it would seem an easy answer. Just go! Right? Well, here's the rub. To maintain an aura of happiness, to further cultivate this fascinating area of our lives it needs plenty of time to feel unrestricted. Granted, performing, speaking, teaching, and guiding others can give the feeling of a certain level of happiness. The other side of the coin of happiness is that we also allow ourselves the much needed time to decompress, rejuvenate, and reboot. That can only be accomplished by spending time in a relaxed state where our system can cool itself and settle down.
There's the old saying that just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. I have always liked it because it reminds me to think before acting. Do I really need to go to this or that function? What would I rather be doing instead? Do I really want to try to squeeze one more thing into my already full schedule?
Or, would I rather let something go from that particularly full schedule? Maybe I can reschedule something so I can spend time journaling, walk outside, plant the flower bed I keep talking about, take a nap? Do I really need to buy that new piece of furniture, phone, iPad, concert ticket, or vehicle that I think I have to have right now? Or, do I want to honor my commitment of staying out of debt or paying off debt before indulging in a new purchase I can't afford at this time?
Enjoying the sights and sounds of nature. The cost? Free.
There is a lot of talk these days in the self-help, self-empowerment areas around boundaries and maintaining boundaries. Boundaries are commitments we make with ourselves to protect ourselves. It can be putting up a metaphorical boundary with a person who is toxic by not spending as much time or any time with them. It can be a boundary around putting yourself first instead of on the back-burner all the time. It can be a boundary around taking better care of yourself by eating more organic foods and taking time to do things that bring a smile to your face. These are only a few examples... I'm sure there are many you have in your own life that come to mind.
"Our biggest obstacles come from inside our own heads--not outside annoyances or
distractions." Michael Hyatt
The reason I bring up boundaries is because it weaves beautifully into this topic. What happens so often is we make a commitment with ourself. Later, something comes along that tempts us away. Maybe it's Madagascar? And...yes, we could actually do it. But. But, by doing that we end up crossing our own boundary, our own commitment to ourself. Let's say we go ahead and do it. (full disclosure: I have definitely boundary crossed before on more than one occasion!)
We get the item. Go on the trip. Buy the new phone. Say yes to the favor or function, whatever... Then, once we are on the trip, own the new item, go to the function, put ourselves off in favor of doing something for someone else we then feel this undeniable emptiness inside. We actually don't even like using or want to use the new item. We go on the trip but know deep down we shouldn't be on it. We drive the vehicle and feel bad because we paid too much or could have waited a little longer and had more of a downpayment. Go to the dinner or lunch with a friend and feel distracted.
Sound familiar? It's a roller coaster of emotions that none of us likes being on. If you find yourself saying I need down-time, I just need some time to myself, I just want to get away these are good indicators that you have probably been over-extending and crossing your own boundaries.
What would you rather be doing than committing to one more thing?
A simple, yet extremely effective exercise I have done and still continue to use is to practice saying no for 30 days. I know, I know.. you are thinking What? I can't do that! Well, believe me you can and you will thank yourself for it. For the people pleaser in you they will get a chance to hang up their cape. The only one you need to rescue is yourself. You can start small by re-scheduling something that you really don't have time for that day. You can also just go full-out by saying no because you know that you just can't do it or want to do it.
Most importantly, don't worry about the part of you that feels slightly guilty about stepping up for yourself. You don't have to go into a long explanation. Say Thank you for asking, but I just can't do that right now. Maybe another time. I'll let you know. The guilt you feel actually means you are on the right track. In all reality it doesn't mean no forever, it does mean not yet.
And definitely avoid the self-sabotage work around. By this I mean that when you say no to someone or something that you then try to fill that space of time in with something else that will bind you. Say no and do something for you. Not anyone else. Just you.
You may be wondering about Dr. Holden's story... he did end up saying No to Madagascar. He came upon the realization that by saying Yes to one more thing it really would dilute everything else. Crossing his own boundary was too high of a cost for him.
What are boundary's you have set up? Do you desire to cultivate the courage to set up a boundary and stick to it? Remember to start small. Start by saying No. Start by journaling all the things you love doing that bring a smile to your face. Then, it will seem effortless and easy to enjoy much needed "me time."
Cheering for you...
Joanna
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